I remember the first time my Mom introduced me as an “MK from Japan” the first day of college at new student orientation. I forced a smile, endured all the “oohs” and “ahs” and questions about my upbringing in a foreign country. I uttered a “Nice to meet you too” and hastily pulled my Mom aside.
“Mom, please don’t tell people I’m from Japan.”
“Why not? You are from Japan.”
“I just…don’t want you to tell people.”
“Where should I say your from then?”
“Just say California.”
“OK…whatever you say.”
And so, for the remaining hours of orientation, I was no longer Joel-Japan-MK-Driscoll but I became Joel-Normal-Californian-Driscoll. Before my family left to say goodbye my Mom asked me again why I didn’t want to let people know that I grew up in Japan. I didn’t have an answer. It wasn’t that I was ashamed of being a Missionary Kid or that I was embarrassed about being a TCK (Third Culture Kid), there was just a part of me that hated being introduced that way.
We all know that kid. That one kid who’s a little socially off for reasons you can’t quite explain, loves to tell stories about irrelevant topics that often begin with something along the lines of “One time when I was in [insert country name]…”. He isn’t exactly aware of all the American cultural nuances that everyone assumes everyone understands. Oh, and he’s also an MK. That Kid. That’s right. Don’t deny it. You know the stereotype. Chances are you know someone who justifies it too. I’m not saying that all MKs are this way. In fact, most of my good MK friends are some of the coolest, most normal and I-would-have-never-guessed-they-were-TCKs kind of people. Heck, I know that I’m not totally weird and that I can act semi-normal in most social interactions. However, there are enough individuals who grew up with Missionary parents who only reinforce the assumptions people have about MKs.
Since people have good reason to believe the stereotypes concerning Missionary Kids, I find it is frustratingly easy for others to put me in that box. Every time my family would visit a new church or we would meet new people, we were always introduced as “The Driscolls from Japan,” or “The Driscolls: Missionary Family to Japan.” Now I by no means blame my parents for any of this. It’s not their fault at all. It’s just the way that it has always happened. Whenever I would walk into a new Sunday school I was asked to stand up, introduce myself (as the MK who was in the States for only a year). Thus all my interactions with other kids would start with a barrage of inquires about whether I knew any Samurai or if I ate Sushi everyday. Every single one of my social encounters was always premised with my unique upbringing.
I must reiterate that I am now incredibly proud of my upbringing. If I could relive my life in any different context than the one I was raised in I wouldn’t want to. Being an MK has opened up my world and taught me many important things that I would have never experienced otherwise. I am proud to be an MK. The reason that I never wanted to be introduced as a “the kid from Japan” was because I don’t want to be labeled as that kid and be forced to slowly push through the wake of stereotypes that have been dumped between me and the people with whom I want to build relationships with. I bet you have never thought about that have you? When you meet someone and say that you’re from California, they might make a joke about you being a surfer and bingeing on In-n-Out Burgers, but never will it be some label that makes it difficult to develop friendships.
I get it. Growing up in Japan is a really cool thing. People are curious about it. They want to know what it’s like to live there, what the food is like, if there are robots or ninjas everywhere, or even if I can speak “Chinese.” I get it. I have a unique life compared to the normal America bubble. But it’s so incredibly frustrating when all my initial interactions are basically a barrage of inquiries about the country of Japan or about my life there. I understand, people mean well. They want to relate by asking questions about something I can relate to, but in the end all it really does is leave me feeling like they don’t really want to get to know me, they want to know about the life of an MK. It has hindered me from developing friendships and has isolated me from getting to know lots of people.
When I came to college, I wanted so much to be free of that stereotype. I didn’t want to be shrouded in that label as soon as I set foot on campus. So I defaulted to the next place I could call home and told people that I was from California. It worked great. I finally felt normal for the first time in my life! People chose to associate themselves with me not because of my MKness or my associations with an oriental culture, but because they got to know me. Me. No false assumptions about my character or uniqueness, but because Joel was Joel. I loved it. For a time I had turned my back on the reality of being raised as an MK and I was enjoying my new found individuality. As a result of my newfound success at making friends and being normal, I took it to the extreme and made a point to never talk about Japan ever and beat around the bush hardcore if anyone asked about how and where I grew up.
The past couple months I’ve been doing a lot of thinking regarding my strategy at isolating myself from anything that could tie me to being an MK in Japan. I realized something that has forever changed the way I look at my upbringing: I am different. I’m not normal…but in a good way. I never will be normal and that’s perfectly ok. Growing up in Japan has made me unique in so many fantastic and amazing ways. I understand the beautiful subtleties of cultural differences, I understand that the world is so much more than the bubble of the American dream, I understand that because I was an MK I am maybe a little wiser and more mature than some of my peers. Why would I be ashamed of that?
Thus I have come to a compromise. I still don’t choose to introduce myself to everyone I meet as from Japan, yet I will willingly divulge the information to my friends and people I get to know better. That way, they don’t stereotype and judge but they can begin to appreciate the incredible life that I’ve had and the phenomenal experiences God has given me. I get to prove to the world that I’m not chained to stereotype because I can am confident in my uniqueness while still finding a way to belong.
All this to say, if you’re an MK this is what I have to say: Be You. Really! Don’t give people the opportunity to judge you just because you’re an MK. I know some people who are MKs who appreciate the MK stereotype. The people I’ve know like this tend to not have a lot of confidence in themselves since they cling so desperately to their MKness as their sole identity. They rely on their MKness and not their own personality to have people be interested in them. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing, but after 20 years of personally struggling to find what it means to be me in a world that is constantly changing around me and in two cultures that don’t completely accept me. I want to be confident in who God made me to be. I want to build real friendships with normal people and not be put into a box with all the other MKs in the world. I want my social interactions to not always begin with me being an MK but I want them to start like normal conversations do: interests, friends, hobbies, aspirations and dreams.
I can see how such a blog post as this could come across as feeling like a rant at how the world has treated me as some weird character and not being normal with me. This was not my intention, rather all I wanted to get across is that as an MK I want to be normal. My journey to discovering who I am — as a follower of Christ, growing up in a Japanese nation, who now lives in Japan and who is marrying an American girl — It is far from over as I wrestle with all the highs and lows of being a TCK. The following are some tips (take it or leave it) for how to help an MK that you know (or if you’re an MK yourself then these are some things to keep in mind):
For Non-MKs:
On Behalf of all MKs everywhere, please, treat us like normal people. True, we may be strange, socially-awkward, and not have the best fashion sense but all we want is to have a fair chance to be your friend. The reason we are weird is because our life is weird. Life sure is great a lot of the time for us, but we don’t have many stable friendships and we struggle with finding a sense of belonging and identity. We strive so hard to be as normal as possible and so often fail so hard…so help us! As best as you can, please try not to stereotype us and just pretend like we’re the new kid who moved from California or some other normal place. Give us a chance! Ask us real questions about ourselves and not about the country where we grew up. Ask us what our ambitions in life are, ask us about our favorite food, ask us what we want to be when we grow up, heck, even ask us our favorite color! Just treat us like normal people and we’ll do our best not to disappoint. A lot of us have incredible life experiences and unbelievably cool stories, not to mention that we are really awesome people. Get to know us before labeling us.
For MKs (TCKs):
First, don’t ignore the fact that you have such a unique and fascinating childhood. The Lord purposefully put you in a family that serves Him faithfully in a culture not native to your own. Don’t be ashamed of that. In fact, I encourage you to eagerly look for opportunities to let it grow you and teach you important things. However, don’t let it be your identity. God has made you into so much more than the stereotypes that people can pin on you. I would advise that when you introduce yourself to people, make an effort to make you be you. Don’t give others the chance to put you in a box. You are unique. You are different. You are you. So be you. Give others the chance to see who you truly are. Don’t turn your back on your MKness but give others opportunities to see past it and see the real you.
For Ex-MKs (TCAs):
Don’t make the mistake that I made. The way you were raised was exactly where and how God wanted you to grow up. Know that now that you’re older and are off doing different things you can fully appreciate that you were an MK. Your world is way bigger than most people and you understand and know things that people wouldn’t dream of experiencing in a hundred lifetimes. Take advantage of your uniqueness. Embrace it but don’t let your past become your identity. You are more than just an MK. Your past has trained, conditioned, and matured you in way that has individually prepared you for Christ’s kingdom work. Don’t let it shackle you and don’t let it become your identity, but let it spur you on to bigger and greater thing for the Glory of God.
Remember, the fact that you’re being an MK is a huge part of your identity, but it is not your identity. Be confident in who you are and know that God has grown you in fantastic, amazing ways and that He is going to use you mightily.
“My name is Joel. I’m from California. I’m tall, love basketball and I’m an aircraft mechanic. I’m unique. I’m cool. I’m different. Not solely because of the fact that I’m an MK from Japan, but because I’m who God made me, who I am, and how I was raised me…all how God wanted. Sure I have lots of cool stories and Ya I’m a little weird sometimes but hey, isn’t everybody? You seem cool too. Wanna get to know me? Maybe we could be friends.”
Note: I am just a simply 20 year-old dude who was an MK in Japan. I do NOT at all represent the views of Missionary Kids around the world. I’m just a kid trying to formulate thoughts and if any of this makes sense, great! If not, I’m sorry for taking your time with meaningless rambling. Either way, I hope you now understand an MK’s struggles a little better. If you happen to also be an MK, I hope that you were somehow encouraged and motivated to be confident in who you are and find your source of identity in who God made you and not where you grew up.
Blessings, Joel
